Posts Tagged: Facebook

The 5 Types of Social Media Misogynist

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There you are, hanging out on Facebook minding your own business judging and commenting on everyone else’s business, sharing harmless occasionally controversial opinions and then bam. You’re hit with unexpected but not necessarily surprising misogyny. I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty tired of dealing with it.

In light of all the revelations about sexual harassment and abuses of power in various industries – Hollywood, government, theatre, tech –  here’s a handy (but not handsy) list to help you identify the different kinds of sexist you encounter on the joyful cesspool that is the Internet.

The Hypocrite

When is the man not the man? When it’s a man you like. 

This is the guy who seems, from all his outgoing posts and comments and political leanings to be anti capitalist, anti establishment, anti government and all about the anarchy and free love. Unfortunately his damn the man attitude only extends so far. He’s all about human rights and supporting the underdog. Except when the underdog is a woman and she’s challenging his male privilege and feelings of entitlement to sex with women. Oops. Bad underdog!

“All people deserve to have rights and define what inequalities they face except for women because their vaginas mean they can’t be trusted and they don’t know anything. Come on girls – don’t you want sex in the world? Why can’t anyone just ask for sex when they want it? We’re all consenting adults here. Gosh just say no if you don’t want to see your boss’s dick in the office, who cares if he threatened you and your reputation and your job? You’re not oppressed, there’s no power abuse. You can still say no. What’s that ladies? I can’t hear you over the sound of my own giant public-wank-defending manhood.” 

Guess you’ll have to type louder and more importantly 2 octaves lower for him to listen.

The Contradictator

I agree with you, but shut up and read what I’m saying because I’m right.

He’s so keen to keep you engaged in a conversation he’s practically holding you hostage. He’ll lull you into a false sense of security with that pesky agreement but watch out for those baiting questions. Ultimately you’re not really having the same conversation. He will not rest until he wears you down and make him your definitely always right and never wrong about anything king.

“I agree with everything you’re saying but…I don’t disagree but…I hear what you’re saying but…everything I write after those statements demonstrates exactly how much I don’t agree with you. Maybe I should admit I don’t actually agree with you. But then what if I’m wrong?? I just can’t bear the idea of being wrong about something. Publicly. No, not possible of course I’m not wrong. God it’s so hard. I dis…a….no it’s too much, I agree with you but…Phew. That was close. It almost looked like I was actually paying attention to what you were saying. Better to be safe and just say I agree.”

Just admit it dude. You don’t agree.

Calamity John

If it isn’t rape, it isn’t bad enough. So don’t call him. 

This one’s a bit more complex because at times he appears to be kind of OK. He likes your posts calling for more support for rape victims. He shares your smart statistic based memes about how many women die per week due to domestic violence (it’s 2, by the way. 2 women every week in England and Wales.) But if you’re looking for nuance this is not your guy. Unfortunately whether it’s the pay gap, catcalling or someone asking to take their penis out and showing you regardless of your answer, he’s not interested. If it’s not rape, it’s not a problem. Just like how doctors started working on the cure for cancer and immediately abandoned the less serious problems of fixing broken limbs and treating tonsillitis.

“Don’t you think you’ve got enough equality? In Saudi Arabia women aren’t even allowed to try on clothes in a shop! You can vote, you can drive, you can go out in public…what more do you want? Why is it so bad to go up to a woman in the street and tell her how hot she is? Do you want us men to, like, never talk to women?? Do you want us to never ask for sex? Would that make you happy? No, I don’t think the pay gap is a problem. There are real criminals in the world. Focus on them! I mean, it’s not like you’re being raped all the time.”

Oh wait. https://rapecrisis.org.uk/statistics.php

If you’re going to be insultingly reductive, at least get your facts straight.

The Twister

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No matter what you say…no that’s it. It doesn’t matter what you say. 

You’re giving it your best, measured and calm responses but it’s like this guy isn’t even reading them! Spoiler alert: he probably isn’t. And even if he is, he’s reading only what he wants to see. Like any shape-shifter this one is kind of wily and will wriggle around in what he’s saying and what he thinks you’re saying. He’s deflecting your points and twisting your words and dragging you down a conversational rabbit hole that leads to nowhere useful.

You: Given how much sexual assault there is, it’s not like there’s just one man running around the whole world doing it to every woman. There must be a similar number of men who are perpetrating this kind of behaviour. And that’s a fundamental problem with society that ties into privilege and the patriarchal system in which we live. And a lot of this stuff goes unreported so really we don’t have the full picture but it’s probably a lot worse than the statistics show. 

Him: So what you’re saying is all men are rapists? You know, men get raped too. Have you even thought about that? What you’re saying is really offensive. Not all men are rapists I can’t believe you would say that.”

Ummm…that isn’t what was said.

The Defender

Your Honour, the Defence will never rest.

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It doesn’t matter how many people are brave enough to blow the whistle and publicly say what happened to them. It doesn’t matter how many years these allegations span. It doesn’t matter how high profile the person revealing their story is. This guy does not want to hear that someone he enjoys might have done something wrong. And look, I get it. I wouldn’t want to hear bad things about someone I like either. But the incidence of false reporting is as low as 2%. So if that’s the case there’s a 98% chance that someone isn’t lying. Those are the kind of stats you think people ought to believe. Not this guy!

“I know he literally admitted to doing the things he was accused of but we still don’t know if it’s true. I mean, what did the women do to him? If he did it why didn’t they report it at the time? Oh they did? Well, we don’t know the full story. I’d like to see some proof that he did the things they and he are saying he did.”

Seriously.

This list is not exhaustive because of course there are more than 5 types of people in the world! Special mentions go out to:

  • The guy who immediately answers “But not all men…” to every point anyone has ever made about what is actually quite a lot of men. We get it. There are 7.6 billion people in the world. Nothing is going to be all of anyone.
  • The guy who just loves the system and believes it’s there for a reason and we shouldn’t be taking these matters into the public eye so much. Never mind that this system totally serves him and is currently failing to protect the less privileged, more vulnerable women who constantly have to take this shit.
  • The gaslighter coming in with the classic “Don’t you think you’re overreacting?” No. I don’t think we’re overreacting. It’s not a bit much. And if it is, it’s because we haven’t had enough until now.
  • The guy whose “apology” is all about him. He “has a problem and needs to seek help”. Funny how some people would rather believe they are unwell than admit to misogynistic behaviour and sexism and a total lack of respect for women. Anything to shirk actually taking responsibility eh?

Good luck out there people. It’s an infuriating, exhausting world.

Why The #HeForShe Campaign Is Positive

 

 

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Background:

Initial reactions to Emma Watson’s #HeForShe launch speech at the UN Conference last week were fairly positive. Then a bunch of 4chan lowlives threatened to leak naked photos of her and made a countdown to her death (whether that was meant as a metaphorical death like the death of her reputation or as a real thing is unclear. Either way it was shamefully horrible, creepy and nasty) and support for Watson and the campaign soared.

 

Caveat:

For the record, I support the campaign and think it is a positive step in the right direction for achieving gender equality.

 

Main Point / Argument:

A friend of mine told me she was disappointed because she watched the speech after seeing it hyped up and shared a lot on Facebook but expected more from it. I agree with her assessment – the speech was good but not the most rousing, amazing thing I’ve ever seen. But here’s why I think that’s ok: it didn’t need to be. It wasn’t meant for me. It wasn’t meant for my friend either. It wasn’t a speech for the interested and engaged feminist. It wasn’t really a speech meant for women at all. It was relatively mild and it was measured and it didn’t tell us anything we didn’t already know. It wasn’t that inspiring to us female-women-lady-folk because it wasn’t aimed at us in the first place. It was a speech for men. It was an introduction to feminism for men, particularly men who are afraid or ignorant of it. It was a baby step for those who cannot yet confidently walk in feminism’s equality based corridors. And it was exactly right to be so.

A lot of people seem to think the campaign sends the wrong message, but we’re painfully naïve if we think everything will change in a day or with one campaign. The message the #HeForShe campaign sends is not that it’s a boys’ club at all, rather that it’s a boy’s way in to a girls’ club – very much a reversal of the stereotypes we’re used to (also check out my navigation of that complex, correct apostrophe usage. All hail good grammar! God I hope I got it right.) Historically, the boy version of a club comes first and the girls are allowed in later via a sometimes patronising, watered down version, e.g. scouts and brownies. This campaign is a magnificent idea. It’s providing an entry point (snigger) for men into feminism.

This is not about giving feminism legitimacy by asking the men to be in it. This is about demystifying feminism so they stop being afraid of it. It’s not a perfect version of the message nor a perfect message, but hey, guys? News just in: it’s not a perfect world. The same aforementioned intelligent, feminist, woman friend of mine who was disappointed by the speech said:

“It shouldn’t be about their mothers and daughters and wives and sisters. They should just understand that we’re equal humans and that should be enough to make them feminists.”

And she’s right.  It should be enough that we’re people, and to treat us with anything but equality is mistreatment. But it’s not like that. It has been demonstrated time and again throughout history across the world that it is not enough. And all the “but it should be” in the world doesn’t seem to change that.

So we have to take our strategy back a few steps and think practically.

Perceived gripes / problems / some true things:

*Yes. The campaign is a fair bit behind where a lot of thinking women are today.

*Yes. The campaign is being marketed for men – something that seems counterintuitive for a movement that is about equality for women.

*Yes. It absolutely sucks that we apparently cannot effect the change we want on our own, that for there to be progression we must have male support.

Or we could look at it this way:

*If you’re one of those thinking women then, yay and congratulations, not everyone is as smart as you. You’re a progressive thinker, ahead of the curve, you’re correct and the bloody UN says so! Hooray for you!! You believe we should all be equal because we’re human regardless of gender, race, religion or culture – and so with this knowledge and human understanding and international support, you have the power to educate and do good things. So be active, make a difference and use it wisely.

*The campaign is being marketed for men because they’re behind. They’re the ones who need to catch up. The male marketing isn’t a negative, it’s a positive. We’re making it accessible. It’s being marketed to the feminist minority. Isn’t that kind of amazing? Plus I remember reading about a psychological study years ago (apology for lack of reference – it was in a psychology magazine from maybe 2009, so literally years ago) that posited that if a woman tells her friend that she thinks a man is good looking, the friend won’t necessarily also think this man is attractive. But if a man tells his friend that a woman is good looking, his friend is likely to agree with him and they all go “yeah mate she’s well fit” together. The upshot of this was a conclusion about group mentality and how men are more likely to agree with each other about good ideas and attractive people. So if men are more likely to do that, doesn’t it make sense to get a big group of them into feminism so more of them see it as a good idea and follow suit?

*Political campaigns know full well they need the female vote as well as the male vote to win. This is like that. Feminism is the presidential candidate and so we have to get the male vote as well as the female vote, because men are also people and we need and want them on our side because we’re the good guys and why would we not welcome more good guys? We want to win. So let’s get more good guys on board.

Feminism is not about isolating ourselves or elevating ourselves to so far above men that they feel they cannot reach us. Feminism is about equality. For women. And, by definition of equality, also for men. It’s about equality between the genders / sexes. And we need both of those binary bastards to be on board if it’s going to work.

 

Conclusion:

This is a campaign to raise awareness. It’s not for you – the one who is already aware. It’s not for you because you’re already there. You’re already involved by the virtue of being female and thinking and feminist and we’re not just preaching to the choir now. We can’t have it both ways. We can’t be the minority asking for equality but then complain when we’re treated like the majority. We started this club. And now we’re opening the doors to new members. If you’re already a member there’s no need to reapply.

I’m terrible at maths and I’m slightly scared of it. I couldn’t attend a degree level maths class and I wouldn’t want to. Furthermore, if someone invited me into a beginners maths class and I saw on the sign up sheet that loads of experts were going to be there I’d be terrified and embarrassed by my lack of knowledge and would probably be put off signing up. We learn gradually. We don’t jump in at the deep end of knowledge. We can’t expect to effect change and teach people about feminism if we’re not willing to give them the time to learn. It’s not patronising, it’s understanding. And yes, we may be impatient for them to catch up but we have only just properly, publicly asked them to join. We’re trying to overturn an ingrained mentality that has been present for most of humanity’s existence. Old habits die hard and this – prejudice – is one of the oldest habits around. Give the newbies a chance. Because sadly, it’s not enough that we’re all human and deserve equality.

 

Final Thought

So here’s what I suggest to my fellow wonderful, intelligent, feminist women: be happy that we’re on an internationally, publicly supported road to achieving gender equality. Realign your expectations of this campaign. Stop thinking about it in terms of what belongs to you. Feminism / equality is for everyone. And in lieu of being able to sign up on the website for yourself, ask a man you know to sign up (link provided below) and educate him. Open the door, welcome a new member to the club, share the knowledge and help the world change to be better.

Gentlemen! Sign up here:

http://www.heforshe.org

 

Lost In Communication

 

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 “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place” – George Bernard Shaw

“Electric communication will never be a substitute for the face of someone who with their soul encourages another person to be brave and true.” – Charles Dickens

 

I’m on my phone a lot. I’m on my computer a lot. I’m a writer – I use a lot of screens. I would say I’m fairly close to being a master of electronically communicated comedy. I’ve got the text shouting thing down pat. A well placed capitalised sentence can induce “Actually laughing on my own, in public” from my recipient.  Yeah that’s right. I’m good with the written word. And I can type super fast so I never miss a beat or a joke.

But what is this doing to us as human beings?  Is it healthy?

Well, all the evidence would suggest no. It isn’t. I say “all the evidence”…I really mean “my reactions to things”.

If, as many people do, you have an iPhone, I know I can contact you in the following ways:

Phone call

Face time – also FaceTime voice call

iMessage

Text message

Email

Whatsapp (probably)

Skype instant message or call

Facebook – wall post, tagging in a status or private message

Twitter – public post and DM

Viber message or call (though I don’t have it so that one might be difficult. But in a pinch, I could download it, check to see if you have it and then if the other 9742 ways didn’t work I COULD GET HOLD OF YOU THIS WAY. At the very least I could invite you to use it. That’s what a sane and reasonable human would do, right?)

Off the top of my head I have just listed 16 different ways to contact you. SIXTEEN. WHY DO WE NEED TO BE CONTACTABLE IN SIXTEEN DIFFERENT WAYS?!

I cannot convey strongly enough how much this freaks me out. And how much of a contributing factor I believe this technology and communications phenomenon is to the ever increasingly psychotic behaviour of people in the Western world.

 

I am not a patient human being. I’m just not. I do try to be, but naturally I’m impatient with anything from replies to messages and emails to adults understanding basic concepts. I don’t do well with slow people. I operate at a high speed and I expect others to keep up. I suspect I have been made much worse by the high speed and higher speed and higher higher speed internet that makes everything so easily available.

 

Inevitably this brings me to online dating. We get to know people through screens, via websites and messaging services. We want them to text after a date, not call. It used to be that we waited for a phone call. Now we don’t talk, we text. That is a severe communication reduction. I was once in a relationship where we texted all the time but never really said anything. It’s so easy to do that. It’s not easy to phone someone and then not say anything without quickly realising that something is wrong. As a generation, we have become inept at making phone calls when we should.  We have lost out on getting to know each other vocally when we aren’t face to face. Of course there are some people who have never been the type to talk on the phone, but more and more we don’t have conversation, we just chat.

 

It can be argued that people used to communicate through writing, so actually what we have is a throw-back situation to the days of writing letters.  Here’s why that is not true – letters take time, thought and care. Occasionally we may choose to write an email over which we spend a lot of time, but I believe that is quite rare.  When someone hand-writes a letter to me and I open it, that is all I see. That letter has been written without distraction. I know the letter has not been interspersed with Facebook and twitter and emails and other things. It has been crafted by hand for me to read. Similarly, I give it my full attention.  When an email is written it is probably one of many tabs open. There are 9 million other things you can do on that computer screen. It’s not the same and does not elicit the same response as a letter.

 

Now let’s talk about mental health. There’s a lot of debate about if mental illness is on the rise, or if we’re just less taboo about it than in previous years, so we’re more aware of it. I think it’s perhaps a bit of both. I also think that part of the reason for the increase in young people suffering from depression, is that we don’t have time to process anything anymore. Living in the age of technology is overwhelming.  We’re expected to act quickly on everything.  Things have to be done immediately, if not sooner. The brain is wonderful – fast moving, adaptable, fascinating. But conversely, we need time to process information and news and ideas.  We don’t have the ability to know things immediately.  Ironically, we are given the most time to learn and understand new things as children, when our brains are actually at their speediest.

 

We are fairly immune to emails now. I have been given the advice to make a phone call when applying for a job so my emailed application doesn’t just fade into the blur of so many others. If you want something done by someone, you should call the person or go and see them – emails are much easier to ignore because we don’t see them as important. We are desensitised to them.

I still like to receive phone calls and talk to people. There are already people who are more comfortable with screens than humans, and seek refuge behind their computers.  Our real life, person to person communication is suffering because of our dependency on technology.  Look around you the next time you’re on a bus or tube or train. How many people are on phones or electronic devices? Are we even more uncomfortable with making eye contact with strangers than we used to be?  Our basic receptors to people are not the same as they used to be.

 

There are positives of course – the wealth of information we can access, the widespread capability of the news and being able to skype or facetime with a relative or friend across the world. Like magic. Technology in itself is neither good nor bad – it is neutral, but we don’t only use it for good. We replace the validation and understanding we crave from the people closest to us with selfies, Facebook likes, retweets. We mistake these things for popularity. We mistake these things for people caring about us and we mistake the tiny gesture of a click for giving attention. We are simultaneously much more callous and more fragile now – we forget that behind each screen is an actual person just like us, and our relationships are suffering.

I do believe that our heavy reliance on technology and the fast pace at which we insist on moving is psychologically damaging. Nervous breakdowns, stress, depression and anxiety are all apparently far more common now than they were, say, fifty years ago.  Although public perception and understanding of these conditions is part of it, there is no smoke without fire. The fire here, in my view, is technology. So goodbye conversation. It was nice knowing you.