Posts Tagged: Netflix

A Modern Millennial Breakup

Him:
Sorry, can we pause for a minute.

Her:
Oh…um…sure. What’s wrong?

Him:
We need to talk.

Her:
What? Why? Everything’s great.

Him:
I just. I feel like this isn’t working.

Her:
Oh, really?

Him:
For me.

Her:
Oh.

(Pause)

Really?

Him:
Yeah.

Her:
I actually didn’t see that coming. Wow.

Him:
This isn’t easy for me to say.

Her:
Oh. Maybe this really isn’t working.

Him:
I feel like I do all the work here. You’re not putting anything in. You just sit there, all chill and I’m working really hard you know? To make this work for us?

Her:
So maybe you need to take a break, recharge or something?

Him:
But you put in zero effort. Maybe every so often you add something to one of my lists of ALL THE THINGS WE HAVEN’T DONE YET AND NEED DOING but most of the time? Nothing. It’s all on me.

Her:
Huh. I feel like that’s not entirely fair.

Him:
Can you honestly sit there and tell me this is an equal relationship? Does this look two sided to you? Balanced??

Her:
Well when you put it like that I suppose…

Him:
You know, sometimes it’s like you’re not even here. I mean, I’ve had to check in with you more than once. Just to make sure. And you just use me whenever you want. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to be there for you but you never even ask if it’s a good time. And what about when I need you? Where are you then?

Her:
I see how this looks but-

Him:
Is there someone else?

Her:
Excuse me now?

Him:
Don’t make me ask you twice. You heard me. This is humiliating enough as it is.

(Pause)

Her:
We never said we were exclusive.

Him:
Oh you’re pulling that one on me? God I didn’t think this could get any lower.

Her:
I’m sorry, I didn’t think it was-

Him:
That’s right. You didn’t think. You didn’t think about my feelings or about me at all. Well this isn’t just “one of my episodes”. I’m leaving.

Her:
Oh don’t be like that we can work this out, come on I’m here. I’m listening! Tell me what you need.

Him:
No. It’s too late. You take me for granted. I have just enough self respect left to get me out of here and I don’t know what will happen next but I know this. We’re done.

Her:
Netflix? NETFLIX. We are not ending like this.

Him:
I hope Amazon Prima or whatever her name is, is worth it. I gave you all I had. And I wasn’t enough. 4OD warned me about this but did I listen?

Her:
Who warned you? You’ve literally never mentioned them. And it’s prime.

Him:
What?

Her:
Amazon Prime. The name. You got it…never mind.

Him:
Do you think I care…really? That’s what you’re focused on right now??

Her:
I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re right. That was badly timed.

Him:
For fuck’s sake.

Her:
Errr I didn’t see a bad language warning anywhere here. And I said I’m sorry.

Him:
I’m just gonna go.

Her:
Ok. Bye then.

Him:
Ok. Bye.

Her:
Wait. Can I…

Him:
What?

Her:
Can I just get those end credits? I really like the theme tune and I can’t place that guy what was his name? It’s driving me crazy and Amazon always tells me who’s in every scene so-

Him:
Ugh. Amazon is welcome to you.

(Netflix goes blank)

Her:
Well I guess that was a long shot.

It’s just you and me now Amazon. Hope it’s cool if we do you & chill.

One day we will all be obsolete.