Posts Tagged: sexual harassment

Harvey Weinstein, us too.

A few years ago, I went to a wedding and was sat next to a guy whose name is being changed to David because even though he didn’t respect my physical space or the law of consent, I respect privacy and the laws of defamation. I’ve actually written about him before but this is a brief summary of what happened:

He – a man I knew only as an acquaintance – grabbed my breast under the pretext of tickling under my arm when I happened to lift it. I had given consent for neither of these attempts at intimate physical contact. He did this at a wedding dinner. He did this in front of his wife to whom he’d been married for 6 weeks. He did this at a full table of wedding guests.

When I yelled at him, humiliated and shocked, he laughed. I was told to calm down and not make scene. I was shushed. His wife rolled her eyes and said nothing.

Everyone. Said. Nothing. 

When I told a friend of mine about it a couple of days later, she shrugged and said “That’s David.” As if that makes it OK. That’s just who he is and we all accept it and allow it and what can you do?

*Shrug*

It is being reported that people are coming forward now in higher numbers about Harvey Weinstein. The implication from these reports, to me anyway, is that Harvey had so much money, power, influence and privilege and that’s why no one spoke up. I understand he was intimidating and people were afraid for their careers..but David wasn’t intimidating. He was an extremely privileged, entitled shit. To me David and Harvey are interchangeable because although he was no Harvey Weinstein, the attitude is the same – we know what he’s like but we say nothing. 

And so to Harvey – countless assaults, harassments even rapes later and you have a man who is serially high on his own power. He is above the law because everyone else has let him be. It is constantly reinforced that he can do whatever he wants because…he already is doing whatever he wants, however he wants. So he makes women uncomfortable, he takes from them whatever he desires. Their desires or consent don’t enter into it. Isn’t it funny how we talk about consent? As if it’s a social requirement and not a legal one. There are numerous reports of him ignoring consent, threatening careers, paying 8 women off and now multiple allegations of rape are emerging. This man hasn’t broken social etiquette, he has broken the law. And people let him. Just as people let David assault me with a classic shushing of the angry woman and an apologetic shrug of their shoulders at him.

In 2015 Courtney Love was asked if she has any advice for aspiring young actresses in Hollywood. Her response, caught on film is

“I’ll get libelled if I say it…” (She looks around furtively)

“If Harvey Weinstein invites you to a private party in the Four Seasons, don’t go.”

That was two years ago.

Now people like Colin Firth who knew 25 years ago are coming out and saying they feel guilty. This is Colin Firth’s statement in the Guardian

“I am extremely pleased that Sophie [Dix] is speaking out after so many years,” he said. “I ran into her at a party some time after filming Hour of the Pig – around 25 years ago. What I heard, it turns out, was part of a horrifying pattern. Other women have been hurt since. And those of us who didn’t act on our one bit of knowledge – and especially those of us who went on to work with Weinstein – have that on our conscience. I admire Sophie’s courage. This can’t have been easy.”

Good. He’s right. He and everyone else who knew should feel guilty.

From the moment they knew what was happening and stayed silent they became complicit in his acts. They became partially responsible for every future sexual assault, for every possible rape, for every moment a woman was invited to see Harvey Weinstein and made to feel small or threatened or abused because the people who knew allowed it to keep happening. Many of these people have power in their own right. Many of these people could have prevented years of this. Every one of these people stayed silent.

I understand that 25 years ago Colin and the rest of Hollywood didn’t have the Internet as we do now, so public exposure wouldn’t have been as widespread and instantaneous. It shouldn’t matter. I understand that 25 years ago it was a different time and everyone just accepted that women get sexually harassed as part of their daily lives. I don’t even need to comment on why that’s so fucked up. But the list of women speaking up now is much longer than it could have been. More than 30 women have come forward. Women who are actors, producers, established or up and coming. There are stories of women pairing up to go to meetings with him to protect each other. People knew what was happening.

Some of the reports are focusing on how unattractive he is and suggesting that it’s all much worse because he’s old and ugly. So…if he were young and fit this would be fine? His physical appearance is totally irrelevant. We’re still perpetuating such problematic narratives and ignoring that this happens everywhere, all the time at multiple levels. If you look at social media today you’ll see #metoo filling up a lot of timelines. You’ll see a lot of women speaking out about their experiences. It’s an attempt at progress – the idea that all women who have experienced sexual harassment or assault or even rape come out into the open about it and break the taboo of silence that exists around such acts is great. It’s intended to show how many of us have been subjected to this kind of abusive treatment and don’t talk about it all the time. That all of us have encountered a Harvey Weinstein of sorts and all of us have stayed silent and allowed it to pass. It’s a great, brave idea until you realise that it’s not so easy for all women to do, it’s putting the onus on women (again) and is quite a flippant way for some to share what might be deeply personal and traumatic experiences. For more information on that read this article, “Don’t you think we’ve done enough? by Elisheva Sokolic. Reports suggest that this whole business with Harvey Weinstein was one of the worst kept secrets, known by half of Hollywood. Comedian Andy Hamilton appeared on ‘Have I Got News For You’ this week and he said on Harvey claiming to be fighting his demons:

“Rich people have demons, poor people go to prison.”

If he didn’t have money he’d be a convicted sex offender by now.  This is one of the most powerful men in Hollywood and he is finally falling backwards over the mountain of women who have built up as he thought he had trampled over them. I’m so glad they’ve finally risen up and toppled him over.

There are at least 8 women who have been paid for their silence. It’s hard to know how to feel about these people who threatened or tried and failed to stand up to a bully. Sometimes it’s not possible to speak out. If you have no support network, or the powerful party threatens to ruin your life by overwhelming you with their resources, burying you in debt and legal procedure, I imagine it can feel impossible to fight back. The mental strain of this on top of the ordeal you’ve been through – a violation of your body and rights – can be too much. On the other hand they played into his narrative of being above the law and untouchable. With enough money you can buy off any problem.

So if you can speak up against this kind of abusive, illegal behaviour you must.

You must because you can and someone else can’t.

You must because you could be, no, almost certainly will be saving the person going into that hotel meeting room after you. The one who doesn’t have a buddy to go with her. The one who hasn’t been let in on this sickening secret…yet.

It’s preventable. It really is. I am certain we all know someone who treats people worse than they should. But that person still has friends, lives their life as if they are entitled to be however they choose. They see no consequences to treating women like pieces of free meat to which they can help themselves.

We have a collective responsibility to act if we can, when we know of such things, when we see them or hear of them. We must break this culture of silence around so many issues. In this case it’s sexual assault.

My grandma sometimes says to me, “Silence means assent” and frankly it’s a really creepy phrase that’s always bothered me but in this case it’s true. Staying silent says “Yes that’s allowed” to the actions of an industry-known sexual predator. Staying silent says yes to David and the men who thoughtlessly leer, catcall, whistle, harass, grab, abuse, assault, rape, demean, pressure, threaten, intimidate, reduce and chip away at women.

It’s endemic, woven into the fabric of our society that this happens and we say nothing. We are afraid of the consequences of whistle blowing but we should be more afraid of the consequences of not whistle blowing, for they are far more sinister. It happens and it happens and it happens again. It is not good enough to know and do nothing to help. It is not acceptable to come out, but only after 20 other people did, with utterly impotent regret. Now, when we all know about it and it’s safe when in reality it’s been safe enough for those people for years, they suddenly jump on the bandwagon already full of people who did nothing.

So to the silent bystander who does not speak out against the things they know are wrong –

You are not as bad as the perpetrator but you are not much better. You are an enabler. Your silence enables someone to hurt others.

You have power, more than you know. So what will you do with it?

If you can, I urge you to speak out. If you can’t I hope you know someone who can and that they do.

We are all responsible for what happens around us when we have knowledge of it. We must do better than this.

Get up, work, get sexually harassed on my way home. Just another normal day.

 

3966219-a-pretty-business-woman-walking-to-work-at-the-office-building

 

 

 

While walking the 10 minutes from work to the station today, a man began following me. At first, I didn’t notice he was talking to me. Why would I? I was on my own. I wasn’t expecting anyone to be talking to me.

I realised I was being spoken to and ignored it.
“Excuse me. Hello? Can I talk to you for a second? Hello? Excuse me. Darlin can I talk to you? Stop and talk to me for a second.”
No. I don’t want to talk to you. Don’t call me darlin. You can’t talk to me. I don’t want to stop for a number of reasons. I’m tutoring tonight so I have very little time anyway and even if I weren’t I wouldn’t want to talk to you. Please take the hint. Please stop. Please don’t follow me any further.
Then I felt a hand on my arm.
I turned around and looked at the man standing too close, violating my personal space and holding on to my arm.  Too tight.
“I want to talk to you.”
This, a little menacing.
“I’m sorry,” I finally said. “I don’t want to talk to you. Please let go of my arm. Now.”
He squeezed a bit tighter. I looked over his shoulder as if there was someone there. He turned away to look too and I pulled my arm free and began walking again.
“Hey!” He yelled, obviously affronted that he’d fallen for a child’s trick. Pissed off with himself that he’d been outsmarted by a woman. He decided to try a different tack.
“You want to come work for me?”
Erm. What? No. Aside from anything else, I’m quite clearly on my way home from work. And I don’t want whatever work is on offer – I somehow doubt he wants me to write for him and I strongly suspect he means prostitution. Funnily enough, that’s not my dream job but thanks for the offer.
“Why don’t you wanna talk me? Come on! Just talk to me!”
I continued walking, torn between wishing myself into the station already and questioning whether that is the safest option. What if he follows me in there? Then I’m trapped. I’m in central London. Where are all the people? Why is there no one else around? Why on earth did I wear heels?
I kept walking, confident steps. Head up, remain calm, do not panic.
I am not a paranoid person. I like people. I like new people. I do not shy away from strangers and I talk to pretty much anyone. Every instinct I have is screaming “DANGER” at me. This is not a nice man. This man is not leaving. He is not listening. He is still following me.
“I got some work for you darlin. Just stop and talk to me. Ain’t you gonna tell me your name?”
I shook my head and kept walking.
He made for my arm again, but this time I’m wise to it and side stepped him. His finger tips brushed my sleeve.
“Bitch!” He hissed at me.
I finally, finally see a person coming towards me, another man with headphones in. I make eye contact. I let the fear in my head show on my face for the first time and try to communicate one word to this man a few feet away from me.
“Help”
I angled myself towards this man. He saw, took out a headphone and I began to speak incredibly fast.
“Hi, this man won’t leave me alone. Please will you talk to me for a moment? I know you don’t know me. I just need you to stand and talk to me just for a minute please?”
He was calm and immediately put himself between the other man and me.
He asked
“Has this man been following you?”
“Yes”
I replied.
The man who has definitely been following me makes an ugly face and immediately says.
“I ain’t been following you. What you talking about you stupid bitch, what the fuck are you talking about? I ain’t following you! Bitch!”
At last he walks away, snippets of insults drifting back to me on the wind.
The man who I have stopped on the street asked me again if he had been following me and how far/long for. He asked me if I knew him, if I had seen him before and repeatedly checked that I was ok. He then told me he’s a policeman. I couldn’t quite believe the one person I’d found to stop was a policeman. He showed me his ID and asked me if I wanted him to walk me to the station.
I am not a jittery person. I don’t believe in living a life in fear. I don’t believe in walking around London feeling afraid of all the bad things that could happen. I accepted his offer because I am also not an idiot and at this point, I was afraid. It’s hard to run in heels, even chunky ones that aren’t that high.
We chatted on the way to the station and he made me feel much calmer. I wasn’t crying or hysterical or anything like that. I was slightly shaky from adrenaline and my stomach felt weird. He made sure the other guy was a way ahead of us and not in the station. I thanked him profusely and left.
I am writing this on my tube journey home. I am not wearing anything particularly provocative – a black smart skirt that stops just above my knees, an office smart, green top that is not tight, a scarf, tights, a jacket – and even if I were, I wouldn’t hold that as an excuse.
I love the fact that strangers talk to each other sometimes. But there is something about the way that some people approach others that lacks even the most basic respect. It might be a misogyny thing, I can’t say for certain. I know I’ve never made a man feel unsafe or violated. The most threatening thing I’ve ever said when initiating conversation with a stranger is “Sorry, I know this is probably weird but I wanted to tell you, you’ve got lovely eyes”. I have to say, the rare, lovely and smile-inducing occasions that I do receive a compliment from a stranger pale in comparison to the number of times I’ve been followed, cat called, harassed, touched inappropriately.
That’s not OK whatever your gender, whatever mine.
If I say I don’t want to talk to you, back off. Listen to what I’m saying. The answer is no. I shouldn’t have to say it more than once. I don’t need or want convincing. This isn’t a game. I am not presenting a challenge for you to wear me down. Don’t touch me. I shouldn’t have to break free from your grip. I shouldn’t ever have to feel afraid. I am a human being just like you. I shouldn’t feel like I need to write this to feel better this evening.
Perspective time: I wasn’t molested, or raped or hurt beyond a squeeze to my arm which may bruise. This won’t psychologically damage me. By tomorrow morning I will be fine (except if my arm bruises I’ll be peeved for a few days).
But what if Matthew the policeman hadn’t been there? What if there hadn’t been anyone around? What if it had been a bit later or a bit darker or the guy had been even a bit angrier? What then?
When men make comments about the size of my breasts I give them shit back so they don’t do it again. It’s funny to watch if you’re not the man who just made that comment. Because I am not going to silently ignore the total lack of respect any more.  I don’t want to keep quiet and take it.  My grandma tells me “silence means assent”.  I do not want to give mine any more to that kind of treatment.
We are all human. We need to be better to each other. We need to make each other feel safe. We need more people like PC Matthew, who listen, who offer to turn around and go back the way they’ve come to make sure you’re safe. We need fewer people who harass and follow and intimidate and when those people start up, we need to speak out to show them that we are better than that.
If you find yourself being followed and it is difficult or impossible to run away:
  • Pick someone and speak to him or her directly.  People respond much more when it’s directed at them than when they are allowed to be a general passer-by.
  • Do not panic.
  • If you scream, use words – shout them loud and clear, something like “THIS MAN IS FOLLOWING ME, I DON’T KNOW HIM, HELP ME.”  Shout the situation, not just noise.
  • Do not be afraid of other people. Not everyone is like that. There are really good people out there, people you don’t know yet, who deserve to be trusted.
I am extremely grateful to PC Matthew for being in that place at that time, for being a policeman, for being kind and good and helping me.  I hope that anyone reading this would do what he did in that situation.